Wrestling Prayer

So I'm reading a book right now called Wrestling Prayer by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I was not prepared at all when it started to talk about self-pity and a slew of other sins that hinder an effective prayer life. I will quote from the book from page 48. This is Eric talking here..."Well, I yielded this throne on inner control over to Jesus Christ when I was 19. But what I didn't realize at the time was that I was, in a sense, inviting over 10,000 Mom Ludys into my inner life to labor full-time investigating my heart and mind 24/7 for any presence of self-sin. Every pillowcase examined, every dresser drawer culled, every last inch of my locker scrutinized, and every football-card album paged through and purged of all distraction.
'Dear God!' I remember thinking when this examination of my soul first began. 'I can't handle this! Please let me be!' The whole process was exhausting to my soul. I didn't realize how many crevices in my life had become strategic hiding places for secret sin.
'You must learn, Eric,' God seemed to say in response,'I give no quarter to the enemy! I can provide no hospitality to the flesh. Your body is MY house now, and you must allow Me to make it a place fit for a King's presence.' "

It feels like this is what I'm going through right now. Very needed and I'm glad this is happening, but oh...is it ever painful to see how much sin is hidden away...how utterly disgusting it is to see how settled in I had become on the throne that doesn't belong to me. I can't serve two masters, and I KNOW I will be happier serving my Lord than simply serving myself.

I look forward to becoming a woman of God who is beautiful inside and out, but it can only happen through an intense burning off of the self-sin within and allowing Jesus His rightful place on the throne of my inner self.

I don't want to give quarter to any sin in my life...and I hope with the help of my awesome husband we can grow together in holiness.

Ponderings...

So I'm realizing a few things about myself that are not impressing me at all...I have an addictive personality....and I have a hard time balancing the things in my life.
Too vague?? lol, yeah, I think so too...time to be real.


I have a serious addiction to the computer...not just the internet but the computer...sitting at my desk and doing ultimately nothing....why?? I'm shirking the responsibilities of motherhood and being a homemaker....I'm procrastinating being productive. Not because I don't WANT to be productive and be a good homemaker and mother...but simply because the computer calls out to me..."there's got to be SOMETHING you can do on me right now...." whether it's going through emails in hopes of a personal letter from a caring friend (pretty rare) or skimming through freecycle posts...or checking on facebook, seeing how all my acquaintences are doing on there...and then there's the facebook zoo....a game that sucks more time out of my day than I care to admit....and then of course checking on my friends' blogs...not all of these things are a waste of time of course but when you literally stay at the computer all day, barely taking time to make meals and feed the kids, you know you have a problem... when you get frustrated when your sweet baby wakes up from his nap and interrupts your time on the computer, you know you have a problem.
And then there's wine...hmmm, I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol...yet...but before I become addicted to it, I'm going to stop drinking it. It's expensive, and really what is the benefit?? So I feel so relaxed I'm no longer productive in the evenings??? Just silly really.

Now to get to the real heart of the matter....what has caused this addictive personality in me?? The only thing I can think of is my lack of relationship with my Creator. I stopped seeking Him for direction and started just "doing the next logical thing" I started "to keep on keeping on" a phrase I learned at a homeschool support group that I honestly hate, there's no thriving feeling in that phrase, just surviving...perhaps I also feel let down by Him by the complications (although small) I experienced after the birth of Malachi. I really don't know. I just know that right now, I know that I need to shift my focus back on the Lord of all Creation, life is so much sweeter when my focus is right...I see my children as the blessings that they are, instead of getting annoyed with them when they need me. I enjoy my house and the contents within, instead of whining about housework. I'm sure that I'll find Joy, when my focus is on Jesus, Lover of my soul!!! It breaks my heart when I realize how long I've been pushing Him away and pursuing my own desires and simply allowing the enemy to distract me with useless timewasters...like the zoo on facebook...it's time to re-establish healthy boundaries, whether others understand the boundaries I'm setting or not, their reaction is their problem...not mine. Another issue I need to get over...the desire to fit in and be accepted....cause it's not going to happen in this lifetime....very few people will like my family because of our beliefs. That's ok. I need to remind myself often that it's only the Lord of all that matters...only His acceptance that I need.
I've noticed how far from the Lord our family life has become...the kids remind me to pray at meals and I roll my eyes. Yes, harsh..I'm not proud of it...just being honest. My husband no longer makes comments when I swear, again, not proud of it and I know he prays for me daily...how is it that I've become so self serving? How did I become so focused on my own happiness that I've neglected everyone else? And in the end I'm miserable anyways!!! sigh.
It's time for a change. It's time for me to look heavenward while I start getting my ppd back under control and also start focusing on my health, spiritually, physically and mentally. While this sounds like I'm keeping the focus on me...I see no other way to change how I am...lol I know as I work on my relationship with the Lord, things will change in my heart again and I will naturally become the woman I WANT to be. This is truly the cry of my heart, to be the woman God already sees me as, because He can't see the sin, because Christ'blood has covered it all already.
I feel a weight being lifted as I admit all these shortcomings..sigh. I'm excited to start school again and with it new routines.
Thank you Lord, that Your mercies are new EVERY MORNING!!! Now if I was still drinking wine, I'd raise my glass and say, "cheers to new beginnings" but that seems kind of dumb in light of this post...lol

Time to start thinking about school...

So I've pretty much just been avoiding the whole issue and am feeling blue a lot lately...not sure if some post partum depression is maybe hitting...but regardless of how I feel, life goes on and it's time to start planning our school year. I already know what I'm using, I just need to figure out what stuff I'm going to use between now and Christmas and what I want to use after Christmas...just need to organize it all...put it into a planner...that sort of thing...but I'm rebelling...in a big way...lol
I don't know how much I can really plan though as I don't know when I'll have a vehicle again...so field trips will have to be put on hold for now...everything else is ready to go!! I even picked up a few workbooks for Shyla to do! She's pretty excited about starting school as well!
Well, I'm going to go and finish printing off my planner...

Update on my darlin' car...

So yes, it is officially dead...I was a proud owner for only 8 months...now to decide whether it's worth it or not to switch out the engine or get a 2nd hand minivan...I really don't know which we'll choose at this point, but I do possibly have an engine to put into my car...so it just depends on what the guy wants for his car...which is the same year and everything as my car....so we'll wait and see which doors God opens...

My Darlin' Car

So I've got this awesome car, it's a ford taurus wagon with the neat seat in the very back that faces backwards...also known as the goonybird seat. I've always wanted a car with the goonybird seat...I just figured that every family with children should have one at some point in their lives! It's my very first car....yes I got my very own first car at the wonderful age of 31!! It's so cool to say I own such a vehicle!
So I've noticed that it's starting to run a little bit rough, so I buy some oil...when I go to put the oil in, I do the dip stick thing first and it says it's totally full! What on earth?! So right then I should have given Jamie the keys to prevent myself from driving it anymore until an oil change or something is done...sigh, but no, I decide to take a small drive and pick up some freecycle. That's when the noise got REALLY bad on the deerfoot!! Yikes! I'm really close to the Barlow exit so I limp my way onto Barlow and notice a gas station very close by, park the car at the gas station and pop the hood...steam/smoke pouring out...didn't notice this while driving!!! Then I go and check the oil cause the oil light had come on while limping to the gas station (which was also a major truck stop!!!) Anyhow, the oil is still full as can be, but the dipstick with the oil on it is so hot it's steaming/smoking...not normal apparantly...
So I phone Jamie and he phones his brother, his brother phones me and confirms what I think is wrong...the oil pump. So AMA comes in record time to take the car to Kal-tire where my sister in law, Naomi works and Kevin (Jamie's brother) comes to my rescue and drives me and the kids home because AMA can only take 2 passengers...how dumb is that?! Cool thing was, I didn't have to follow the tow truck to Kal-Tire and pay the extra mileage, I guess a mom with 3 kids (well behaved I might add!!) plays on the sympathies of tow truck drivers!! lol
So I'm still waiting to hear back from Kal-tire as to what exactly the problem is with the car, however I got a call from them saying that there is a guy who has the exact same car and is needing to sell his quickly as he is moving...so, right now my hopes are up that somehow between my car and the guys car, I can get on the road again without having to buy anything expensive...meanwhile, I have to remember to stop freecycling cause I have no way to pick anything up!! lol or go on playdates...sigh. This will be interesting while I wait to get back on the road! I'm SO used to being independent!!!
This experience hasn't been very painful though as I've seen God's hand in the small details. not having to pay extra mileage, Kevin had the day off and was able to pick us up, possible car available at Kal-tire should my car not be able to be fixed...I really don't know what is going on here. I DO know that God works all things for good, I will patiently wait for the good!!

5 Months old!!

Well, no exciting things to really report other than Mr. M popped his first tooth yesterday!! woo hoo! 5 months and 10 days he finally popped his first one! He is 16 lbs still and is now 27 inches long...his face is rounding out nicely and is sleeping more it seems. He fits 12 month clothes perfectly right now and he loves it when I sing to him or whistle...music seems to be especially delightful for him compared to my other 2 darlings. He's rolling over now and can keep his balance sitting for short periods...needs to build some back strength...I've started taking him to the chiropractor and he seems to be getting less cranky...but I also wonder if it's because of his tooth finally popping...hard to tell, although he IS less gassy, so we'll keep up with the chiropractor. I want to take the other 2 kids there as well, Silas is still wetting the bed lots and Shyla has been having tons of accidents lately...very frustrating when you have light colored carpets in a rental house...sigh.
It seems that if I want to keep breastfeeding him I need to keep taking fenugreek supplements otherwise I'm dry dry dry...I thought by now I wouldn't need to keep up with the supplements...oh well, it's certainly worth it, since it helps with insulin resistance as well...
Not sure what else to update on...I'll post a picture soon...

Update....

Not much to say really, not in the right frame of mind I guess. Feeling a little blue about the world around me and wanting to just stay inside my little house and shield my family from pain. Two gramma's are not doing well...one with cancer and one with dementia...will they both be gone by Christmas? Then a member of our homechurch is in the hospital with cancer as well...caught early thank goodness. The kids are all well, Malachi has his first cold and is a little needy but this is good cause he's nursing a LOT more than normal, so hopefully we'll just keep boosting my milk supply, I wonder if we will ever get off formula....Shyla is really testing boundaries right now and is having a ton of accidents and so we've put her back in pull ups for now...not sure what is causing this or how to fix this issue....Silas is awesome, yet I'm always so hard on him...why? sigh. Jamie is still my knight in shining armor...sigh, he's so good to me! If there was ever anyone in my life that lived a life of love and sacrifice, it would have to be my man....no he's not perfect, but right now when I think about him, he's "all that and a bag of chips"!!!! If my own computer ever starts working properly I'll do my 5 month update on Mr. M.
That's all for now!