Ponderings...

So I'm realizing a few things about myself that are not impressing me at all...I have an addictive personality....and I have a hard time balancing the things in my life.
Too vague?? lol, yeah, I think so too...time to be real.


I have a serious addiction to the computer...not just the internet but the computer...sitting at my desk and doing ultimately nothing....why?? I'm shirking the responsibilities of motherhood and being a homemaker....I'm procrastinating being productive. Not because I don't WANT to be productive and be a good homemaker and mother...but simply because the computer calls out to me..."there's got to be SOMETHING you can do on me right now...." whether it's going through emails in hopes of a personal letter from a caring friend (pretty rare) or skimming through freecycle posts...or checking on facebook, seeing how all my acquaintences are doing on there...and then there's the facebook zoo....a game that sucks more time out of my day than I care to admit....and then of course checking on my friends' blogs...not all of these things are a waste of time of course but when you literally stay at the computer all day, barely taking time to make meals and feed the kids, you know you have a problem... when you get frustrated when your sweet baby wakes up from his nap and interrupts your time on the computer, you know you have a problem.
And then there's wine...hmmm, I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol...yet...but before I become addicted to it, I'm going to stop drinking it. It's expensive, and really what is the benefit?? So I feel so relaxed I'm no longer productive in the evenings??? Just silly really.

Now to get to the real heart of the matter....what has caused this addictive personality in me?? The only thing I can think of is my lack of relationship with my Creator. I stopped seeking Him for direction and started just "doing the next logical thing" I started "to keep on keeping on" a phrase I learned at a homeschool support group that I honestly hate, there's no thriving feeling in that phrase, just surviving...perhaps I also feel let down by Him by the complications (although small) I experienced after the birth of Malachi. I really don't know. I just know that right now, I know that I need to shift my focus back on the Lord of all Creation, life is so much sweeter when my focus is right...I see my children as the blessings that they are, instead of getting annoyed with them when they need me. I enjoy my house and the contents within, instead of whining about housework. I'm sure that I'll find Joy, when my focus is on Jesus, Lover of my soul!!! It breaks my heart when I realize how long I've been pushing Him away and pursuing my own desires and simply allowing the enemy to distract me with useless timewasters...like the zoo on facebook...it's time to re-establish healthy boundaries, whether others understand the boundaries I'm setting or not, their reaction is their problem...not mine. Another issue I need to get over...the desire to fit in and be accepted....cause it's not going to happen in this lifetime....very few people will like my family because of our beliefs. That's ok. I need to remind myself often that it's only the Lord of all that matters...only His acceptance that I need.
I've noticed how far from the Lord our family life has become...the kids remind me to pray at meals and I roll my eyes. Yes, harsh..I'm not proud of it...just being honest. My husband no longer makes comments when I swear, again, not proud of it and I know he prays for me daily...how is it that I've become so self serving? How did I become so focused on my own happiness that I've neglected everyone else? And in the end I'm miserable anyways!!! sigh.
It's time for a change. It's time for me to look heavenward while I start getting my ppd back under control and also start focusing on my health, spiritually, physically and mentally. While this sounds like I'm keeping the focus on me...I see no other way to change how I am...lol I know as I work on my relationship with the Lord, things will change in my heart again and I will naturally become the woman I WANT to be. This is truly the cry of my heart, to be the woman God already sees me as, because He can't see the sin, because Christ'blood has covered it all already.
I feel a weight being lifted as I admit all these shortcomings..sigh. I'm excited to start school again and with it new routines.
Thank you Lord, that Your mercies are new EVERY MORNING!!! Now if I was still drinking wine, I'd raise my glass and say, "cheers to new beginnings" but that seems kind of dumb in light of this post...lol